Wednesday, February 28, 2007

I Have a Dream

With the close of another successful Black History Month, I thought I would update and post my "I Have a Dream" rant about my dream for the sports world. I originally wrote this about 5 years ago, but most of it still applies.

Disclaimer: I mean no disrespect to Dr King by this, I have the utmost respect for MLK and his life and work.

I have a dream. A dream that someday our sports world will morph into the utopia we all hope for. A dream that drug offenders in sports do get a second chance, but no longer get a SEVENTH chance. A dream that a law is one day passed that makes doing the "raise the roof" sign or the "wave" at the very least a misdemeanor. I have a dream that one day, the fans of the visiting team will show respect to fans of the home team, even if it its your rival. Even if you are blowing them out. Even if they don't respect you back. But believe me, they will. No one likes the jerk who stands admist the sea of fans of the home team and taunts the fans around him. Don't be that guy. It makes you, your team, and the REAL fans of the team look bad.
I have a dream that the WNBA finally hangs up its cleats and the NBA quits shoving it down our throats as if we cared about it. I have a dream that one day, athletes will realize that they are getting paid millions of dollars to play a game and quit thinking we owe them something. Rough background or not, sports fans don't owe you anything. We are the reason you are making that money. Take the opportunity you've been given and do something about it.
A dream that every half hour of sports television is as entertaining as Bill Parcells' or Bobby Knights' weekly press conference. A dream that the "naming rights"craze finally ends and stadiums again take on a name with real value and that we no longer have names with corporate sponsorship.
A dream that women's soccer finally gets the respect it deverses and becomes the one sport whose athletes are respectable.
A dream that defensive players only mug for the camera after a big hit when (a) the player they hit has NOT picked up a first down and (b) their team is winning. And if you do celebate after you tackled a guy who just made a first down, tack on another 15. And no celebrating first downs either unless you are ahead in the game. I can't tell you how many times I've seen a guy signal 1st down after a catch or big run, only his team is down by 30 and its against the second team defense. What? I'm supposed to respect you for that? Am I supposed to be impressed? I'm not, I'm laughing at you for being a joke.
I have a dream that we have a big bonfire to burn all of the baggy shorts, "move the clock forward" uniforms, knickerbockers, headbands, Nike logo products, and NFL Europe jerseys.
Ok, I believe this is the part of my dream that hell begins to freeze over. Yes indeed, I do have a dream. But then again, who am I? Just some random guy who sits back with a 6 pack of The Dew and memorizes while waiting on the next game to start. Who am I? I am a sports fan. And this is my dream.

What's yours?

Friday, February 23, 2007

Help Desk humor

Kinda long, but check out this video of some Help Desk humor. His has already created a couple new running gags in our department. Thanks to Brandon for finding this. Hilarious.

What next, gum?

In an interesting move, New York is considering banning the use of iPods while crossing the street. I know some people have a difficult time chewing gum and walking at the same time, but I didn't know it extended to iPods as well. One of the state senators says that it has reached the endemic stage and is becoming a nationwide problem. People are just walking along, listening to music, walking out in front of buses.
Banning them and cell use while driving I can understand, but while walking is a bit much for me. At least the proposal does include all 'electronic gadgetry' such as Blackberries, cell phones, and video games. (To which I would like to add, if you are playing a video game while walking the streets, I hope that you are a child, in which case you should be with a responsible adult who is keeping an eye on you. If you are an adult and walking down the street playing portable video games, you should be fined regardless).
You can read the entire article here:

Mouse Hunt 2007: The Final Chapter?

Although there is some debate over whether or not Baxter is really dead (apparantly, there is little to no way to ID a mouse and when I saw him quickly dart away in the garage that night, I didn't happen to get a mouseprint or mug shot. All mice pretty much look the same). But a mouse has been found, nonetheless. Unfortunately, it was not found by me. The cats like to hide toys under the stove, but then can't get them out. So, Jeni went to help Austin get a toy out from under the stove, went to grab the toy mouse only to discover in the nic of time that it was not a toy mouse she was reaching for. It took an hour of watching 'Reba' reruns to get her calmed down after that one. Cause of death: Unknown. I did an autopsy, but it appeared to be of natural causes. Possibly fear? Heat? I did find some onion peels and a green bean under there as well, maybe one of those are poisonous to mice.
So for those of you who have been on the edge of your seat wondering how this whole rat race would end, it appears that once again, humans have triumphed over mice.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

When I'm President...

Just as "Excerpts from real life conversations" will be a recurring series on this blog, as will my newest series, "Things I will change when I am President". I figure that way, in 20 years, when I am President, I won't have to try and remember these things, I'll have a nice archived list and can get started.

Those of you who know me, know I have already started such a list and have mentioned several things to you, such as spending tax dollars on CD wrapper research to find a better way to shrink wrap and secure CDs that doesn't require 20 mins to open when you get to your car and are wanting to open it and listen to it on the way home and my "Stupid People Breeding Policy" which will help regulate procreation amongst Georgia and South Carolina fans and of course, my "English as a Primary Language Laws" which will make English the official language of the US and make progress toward prohibiting other languages from being written and displayed in public places and will outlaw "Press 1 for Spanish" on automated phone support lines.
Some of you are ready to vote so I'll get to my latest list addition:

If you use the word "burger" to describe a menu item, that item must contain beef. If it does not, it is not a burger. It's that simple. This occurred to me on my recent flight back from Chicago reading a Rachel Ray magazine (1-It's my wife's magazine, don't get any ideas and 2-It was a long flight) (I'd like to have about 1/3rd of Rachel's wealth right now, what could she be doing with all that money?) and readers submitted recipes for their best burger and they chose the best 3 and published them. You know what? Not a single one of the 3 they published had ground beef in them. They were all turkey burgers. This has been bothering me for quite some time now and this is the straw that broke the camel's back. Turkey burgers? Are turkeys made of cow? No. How in the world can three 'burgers' that are supposedly the best of all the ones submitted not even included the quintessential thing that makes a burger a burger! Are vegetables made of cow? No. Then there's no such thing as a 'veggieburger' either. Are soy beans made of cow? No, then there's no such thing as a soyburger. Burger implies beef or cow products and its time that some one do something about it. I'm reclaiming the burger. Us beef lovers want the burger back!

So when I'm President, turkey, soy, and veggie and whatever else you want to make into the shape of a burger, shall not be called that. This is not a Republican or Democrat thing, consider me the charter member of the ProBurger Party.

After much thought though, you can use buffalo instead of beef and still call it a burger. After all, a buffalo is just a large, hairy cow that is harder to find these days and if the ostrichs play nice, I will allow them a pass as well because they are at least a red meat. But I'm debating it. I may leave that one for Congress to decide. I'll have to give them something to do afterall.