Back in college, I used to make Top 10 lists for my radio show. So, I'm bringing them back with another recurring feature of the blog (We now have 3: "Top 10...", "When I'm President", and "Stupid Real Life Conversations". More coming soon).
(All of these are based on my real life HOA, I wish I could make this stuff up).
Top 10 Signs your HOA/Community is in shambles/chaos:
1. Your pool area is occassionally trolled by a local gang called the D25's.
You never want a gang that names themselves after a BINGO square taking over your neighborhood. Rival gangs are the C19's and the E32's. If you ever see them together and someone yells "Bingo", you better run, a gang war is about to start.
2. Only about 20% of home owners pay their dues in any given year.
This year we are at 25%, that's what we call 'success'.
3. You have a cop at your annual HOA meetings because the lady in charge of the HOA has had repeated threats of "bodily harm" and "loss of limb".
4. The head of your HOA submits her voicemails to the FCC.
Here is where her claims really start to be unbelievable. I'm pretty sure the FCC does not regulate voicemails. Really sure, actually. In fact, I'd be surprised if they even cared. I don't even think they would accept them. If she thinks they regulate voicemails, what else does she think they regulate? Phone calls? Water cooler conversations? The voices in her head?
5. You have a hard time getting volunteers for the pool committee because it requires them to "risk your life" and there are just some things for which a person will not "put your life in your own hands"
Do you (insert name) solemnly swear, upon this copy of the pool rules, to defend this pool area from hoodlums, those who have not paid their dues, and all other riff raff, no matter what harm may come to you or your family? Do you swear to do whatever it takes to keep the chemicals regulated .... There's not really an oath, but that's what it would be like.
6. You have a committee thats sole purpose is to oversee other committees. And it is not out of the realm of possibility that you could soon have subcommittees.
Actually, none of the committees ever accomplish anything either, we should call ourselves a government instead of an HOA.
7. Your annual HOA meeting is basically a bunch of senior citizens complaining about how they sit on their porches and can't concentrate because of all those darn kids down the street playing basketball and making too much racket! They petition to eliminate basketball goals, kids playing in the streets, riding bikes, playing loud music, and other such nonsense. They wonder why we are not on their side.
Did you know I live in a proposed retirement community. Those darn kids and their racket!
8. Someone brags about how an engineer is almost over qualified to lead a committee simply because they are an engineer, not knowing that in fact, engineers come in all shapes and sizes and specialties. While another person was asked simply if he had a pulse and was then deemed to have the proper credentials to be on the steering committee.
It's like saying, well, 'he's a cook, obviously, he's overqualified to make Sweet and Sour Chicken'. What? He only speaks Spanish, you say?
9. You've ever been penalized for using your garage door for something other than egress or ingress.
Don't even think about it. If your garage door is up for more than 10 minutes at a time, your property value just dropped $20.
10. You routinely wake up to Mexicans waist deep in a hole in your yard with a shovel and a yard full of bulldozers and back hoes and your house isn't under construction.
And in fact, it doesn't even faze you anymore.
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